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Broken but blessed

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

I come from a broken family. It’s not that I am proud to be in this situation, but I am blessed to be part of this family. I have the choice to be bitter and rebellious, but I chose to take the road less traveled. I don’t think I have the right to ruin my life because that would only make matters worse. My mom went through a lot of heartaches and breaking her heart once again is something I cannot forgive myself doing.

I may not have my dad with us, but the Lord never left us. He has been my eternal father and He gave me a great mom to take care of me and my brother. I don’t remember an instance where I was in lack during my college years. I have supportive grandparents who sent me to school and helped me throughout my whole 4 years in college. I don’t consider myself lucky. I am BLESSED.

It feels weird everytime I see a home with a mom and dad and with kids living harmoniously. My family was complete until I turned 17. I had the pangs of bitterness that time. I was indeed bitter for 9 years. I hated my dad, I hated everything about him and everything he has done to us. I hated the fact that he left us for another woman and to have a child with that other woman. I was devastated. I never wanted to have a glimpse of him because I can’t seem to find the right words to say to him. I cursed him, I wanted to seek revenge. But I wasn’t successful. I was so sick to the core for 9 years. I can keep a happy face but deep inside I was dying. My bitterness manifested through the relationships that I had with men. I was unlucky when it comes to love, I was insecure. I hated men – for the mere fact that they resemble my father. I also craved for a father’s love. I thought I can also get this by having a relationship with a guy. I was wrong…. all the more I was hurting. I have lost respect for myself because of what I was getting into. It was tough. IT IS INDEED tough to be the cause of the pain I am experiencing. Pain for me, is self-inflicted.

I got tired of hating. Last father’s day, while I was emotionally broken, I made the move to forgive my dad. With what I did, I had the first “i love you” from my father in 25 years. It was such a relief! The burden I was carrying for 9 years went away. I have realized that even if I
keep on hating, in the end I still have one bioligical father. I wouldn’t be the Indirah that I am right now, if not for my dad. I owe him big time. He may not be perfect, but I know that he loves us and he never had the intention of hurting us.

I won’t be able to forgive without the love of my mom. She never gave us a reason to hate papa. She kept on reminding us that he is still our dad and that we have to let go of the hurt. I SALUTE ALL THE SINGLE MOMS IN THIS WORLD! My mom is my hero. Instead of being bitter, she prayed. Instead of whining, she thanked God for strength and wisdom. I am blessed to have the greatest mom in this world! She is my greatest motivator, supporter, and
friend.

Healing and forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time and it depends upon the person if she/he is willing to undergo that process. Having a broken family is never an excuse to ruin your life. Just like the quote by Mahatma Gandhi, be the change you want to be. Instead of healing, you’re only making matters worse by hurting yourself, by ruining the life you are supposed to live. I chose to make my family proud, to be the best in my craft, and to continue loving. All because my God and my family never gave up in loving me. My family is never
ideal. It is dysfunctional, but I am proud to be part of it. I am proud because it taught me to be strong and to stand on my own. To understand those who are also undergoing the same situation. I know that everything happens for a reason. It may be hard to understand at first, but I know it will always be for our own good.

With what happened to my family, I have learned to understand my mom and she was able to let me spread my wings. I am always excited to go home because I know I won’t be witnessing fights and we are at peace.

God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. If you don't understand, if you can't trace His hand...TRUST HIS HEART.


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