Ramblings of a Perpetually Tanned Filipina

It feels like September once again. I have never felt so much pain like this since last year.One bucket is not enough for the tears I have shed out of a mistake that I have committed and I was very sorry for committing. It was a mistake not meant to offend but it did happen and it is something I promised to correct. What is more painful is when you are seen as someone who is not worth the forgiveness and someone who is no one else but mean and heartless. I am not denying the fact that I can be mean and heartless sometimes, but today is the last day in mind that I had any intentions of being mean or heartless. It was a mistake and I am regretful for what I have done. But maybe I am just not good enough to be forgiven. Maybe I have mean and heartless written all over my forehead 'coz I can certainly feel that now. Today I felt very much less of the person that I am. I felt like I am my own disappointment, that everytime I tried to divert my attention, the pain just crushes my heart. ...

Bags, just like my pair of shoes and piles of clothes, tend to fill my closet. I buy bags not just for comfort, but I also make sure that it suits my personality. I haven't been obsessing about bags for months now,until I saw this Kathy Van Zeeland bag today. I was trying to ignore it for two reasons: 1. I still have bags that I haven't used and are just sitting quietly inside my closet 2. It is not the normal bag I would buy that would cost me less than a thousand pesos. I was hesitant to buy it until I saw its uniqueness from the other bags I saw and I felt like the bag was calling me. It was letting me know that I need to get it. I felt like this bag wasn't the common brand I can see in stores that would sell fake stuff. I never knew what a Kathy Van Zeeland brand is in the first place. LOL! I never go for designer bags 'coz I think it's impra...

SUTURES January 26,2008 9:30am I just woke up even if i knew for a fact that i have a dental appointment by 10am. 9:45am Still in bed thinking of what to wear. The dental assistant texted me and informed me that i need to take hemostan an hour before surgery...it's almost 10am..geezuz! 10:30am arrived at the dental clinic. half an hour late from my appointment. I just apologized and told the doctor that I took hemostan only 15 mins ago. He just nodded. 10:45 am I am comfortably seated on the dental chair with red dental gum patches in my mouth. can't feel my lips now.... then there goes 6 shots of local anesthesia... These were some of the events that took place during my first ever dental surgery. I never thought my mouth could be this complicated and mind you, expensive! I went there alone because i wanted to overcome my fear of going to the dentist and having that long needle stuck inside my mouth for the local anesthesia. I wasn't farting. that's a good sign. ...

If ever there is a wish I could grant myself, if not the whole world, Selective Amnesia will be it - the ability to erase from permanent memory any event, trauma, moments of immense pleasure or extreme pain at will without affecting other memories. It’s the same concept of the movie " Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." How I wish I can erase memories that are keeping me stranded in my life’s drama. Response to pain is the most basic reflex action. But, to endure the same pain everyday, once you’ve learned the lesson, will allow it to fester wounds deep within your soul until it grows to such proportions that it slowly begins to kill you on the inside. Until Science finds a way to make Eternal Sunshine a reality, I guess each of us will have to continue to bear our cross to our end and live in the eternal fear of somebody else discovering the skeletons that we so deeply bury in the graves of our conscience.

Saturday, June 21st, 2008 I come from a broken family. It’s not that I am proud to be in this situation, but I am blessed to be part of this family. I have the choice to be bitter and rebellious, but I chose to take the road less traveled. I don’t think I have the right to ruin my life because that would only make matters worse. My mom went through a lot of heartaches and breaking her heart once again is something I cannot forgive myself doing. I may not have my dad with us, but the Lord never left us. He has been my eternal father and He gave me a great mom to take care of me and my brother. I don’t remember an instance where I was in lack during my college years. I have supportive grandparents who sent me to school and helped me throughout my whole 4 years in college. I don’t consider myself lucky. I am BLESSED. It feels weird everytime I see a home with a mom and dad and with kids living harmoniously. My family was complete until I turned 17. I had the pangs of bittern...

Black. Swollen. Beaten … death is near… death is here… This is the eulogy of a dead toenail . There was once a toenail elegantly attached to the immaculate toe. Coated with luscious red polish, buffered to perfection, and loved for its elegance. It was treated as a queen valiantly protecting the plush-soft feet. It was the most flexible queen… adjusting from leather to rubber and steel. Never complaining of the smell nor the tight fitting. As long as its supreme master is served - because it understood that beauty comes with a little hint of pain. It was also a constant traveler- seeing the world in all its angles. Sometimes it’s covered, sometimes it is also exposed to the cruel world. It was able to adjust to the different kinds of weather, different form of sports and most of all, the different positions in love making. Hot, humid, cold, wet… no complain was heard. As long as it has served its sole purpose - that is to serve its master. And that means giving up the po...

(This is an old post from my FS blog:Tuesday, October 21st, 2008) I love my job that’s why I’m writing this. I know that you can’t please everyone in this world; but sometimes, even a little thank you will mean everything to a person. I have been working as a soft skills trainer for 2 years and I really love what I am doing. I am still honing my craft in training and even teaching. I want to be better in what I am doing. I do commit mistakes, but I do learn from them. No matter how much I love my job, there are times when I want to hate what I am doing and the situation I am in. Not because I am tired or I hate my colleagues, but it’s for the fact that I am facing ungrateful people who look at me and my fellow soft skills trainers as JUST trainers. I don’t want to be praised, I don’t want to be placed on a pedestal, all I want is a little respect and a little consideration. I don’t want people undermining what we do. We don’t settle for mediocrity and I pity you if you ha...